Standing in the hallway by the copy machine, trying very hard not to say what I really thought to the person who kept talking and talking at me, I noticed that the lights were flickering. The file cabinets seemed to be changing colors, and then my knees folded under me and it was dark for a long time. When I regained consciousness I found that I was blind and unable to walk. But this being America, I’ve transformed my tragedy into a new reality-comedy hybrid in which I roll around L.A. in my motorized wheelchair bumping into people and then insulting them. “The Victim,” premiering this fall on Fox.
The Simpsons are getting a TV set for Christmas! Santa brought it in his black snowmobile. Marge and I ran out to meet him because he didn’t want to bring it inside himself. For a magic television it was surprisingly heavy, and when I tried to lift it I dropped it on my toe. We dragged it into the living room, where the extended family was gathered, drinking heavily. Instead of admiring the new television, they just yawned and shed their orange skins. I didn’t recognize most of the characters in their “real” human form—even their voices sounded different—but it didn’t really matter, since they were ignoring me anyway. Some of them got into their cars and drove away; others climbed up to the roof where they could continue drinking undisturbed. There was no antenna up there.
Out of My Mind (aired October 17, 2000)
Riley and I are getting to be good friends. We’re tracking a pair of lowlifes who have been terrorizing the UC Sunnydale campus with a series of dimly lit illegal boxing matches and offscreen murders. We discover that the hoodlums are headquartered at an abandoned gas station on the outskirts of town. We follow them there and proceed to beat them up. Suddenly somebody asks, “Where’s Buffy?” Cut to the set of a Coppertone commercial, where Buffy and another blonde model are lying on beach towels. Nothing happens. Then we return to the action at the gas station, where Riley and I have tied the bad guys to an abandoned car and are taunting them with witty but not overly cruel remarks.
Into the Woods (aired December 19, 2000)
Buffy is gazing out her bedroom window at night. She has a sweeping view of Santa Barbara; the neon lights on the Mission are glowing in the distance, and the houses on the hillside twinkle cheerily. Actually they are Christmas lights attached to a piece of plywood painted black, but the effect is still charming and romantic. Buffy looks pensive, knitting her eyebrows slightly as she continues to stare out the window. One of the little white lights goes out. “Riley?” Buffy seems to be sniffing the air, searching for something. “Riley?”
Intervention (aired April 24, 2001)
Spike has succeeded in luring Buffy back to his home, a trailer in the middle of People’s Park in Berkeley. He claims to have found Buffy’s lost purse under a bush, although obviously he stole it himself the last time they went to the movies; anyway, he invites her to his house to pick it up. In the trailer, Spike once again declares his love for Buffy. Buffy decides maybe she would like to sleep with him after all. The next morning, Spike shows Buffy all the things he’s bought for the trailer, anticipating domestic bliss with his beloved. He’s got a complete set of wooden spoons and several pounds of butter. Buffy is confused, then incensed. “Vampires don’t eat butter! Anyway, I just wanted to get you out of my system.” She exits. “You were almost as good as that robot,” Spike mutters to the swinging cardboard door of the trailer.
Fall Season Preview (aired May 22, 2001)
Of course, Buffy is not really dead. She’s been adopted by a family of vampires. This is legal because the vampires are not quite dead either. Angel turns out to be Buffy’s step-brother. Hilarity ensues.
Fall Season Preview, Part 2 (aired July 15, 2001)
The ultra-secret Sunnydale Villains’ Convention is underway, and by coincidence, the Scooby Gang is also holding a meeting at the conference hotel. They begin to suspect that something is wrong when they pass by the ballroom and see crowds of people dressed entirely in black leather. What they don’t know yet is that the newest member of the Gang (a blonde who looks like an even smaller Sarah Michelle Gellar) is actually a spy for the villains’ union! But soon she reveals her allegiance: she springs up in the middle of the Scooby meeting and swings her chair around her head, sending off sparks that threaten to zap the principal cast members’ brains. This was why the new girl brought her own chair to the meeting, instead of sitting in the plush pink hotel furniture. Buffy tries to disarm the demon, but her magic chair seems to be indestructible. Luckily, Spike happens to have dropped in on the meeting; together, through a monumental effort, he and Buffy reduce the chair to tiny chunks of pressboard. When the chair is finally defeated, Spike breaks a remnant of leg into two tiny pieces. He puts one in his mouth and offers the other to Buffy. Gazing into each other’s eyes, they eat the chair together, like bread.
Pre-Season Summer Movie Tie-In: Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (aired August 24, 2001)
A couple of idiots hear there’s a Buffy fan convention coming up. They go to the mall in their Chicago suburb to buy costumes with sequins and special beaded glasses. They don’t have any money, so they have to forge a check. But they can’t decide what name to sign. They know the last name is Rodriguez, but the first name might be Matt, or Scott, or Jeff. While the clerk looks on, they practice various signatures in the margins of the check. After a while the exasperated clerk says, “Chinese proverb: even the woman with only one leg still has stinky feet. Also, those who have just hanged themselves are usually crazy.” The clerk is not Chinese.
The First Annual Buffy Awards Ceremony (aired August 30, 2001)
Everyone’s invited, even me. I discover that in fact I’m a member of the cast: I play the Irrelevant Older Friend. Because I’m just a recurring character and not a regular, I don’t get a prize, but all the major players walk away with awards. All except Sarah Michelle Gellar, who is enraged. She complains to a security guard at the airport on the way home: “I even know the guy who put on this show! The last time I saw him he was all patting me on the nose and stuff, like we’re supposed to be friends!” Later I’m sitting on the floor with some of the other cast members, discussing the upcoming season. Although I am only the Irrelevant Older Friend and not a professional, the other actors seem to value my opinion. I express my concerns: “There was something foreboding about the way Giles handed Buffy that bottle of detergent a couple of shows ago. I don’t know, but somehow I felt that the show as we knew it ended with that gesture.” The others nod thoughtfully.