United 93 (2006)

Why does it take so damn long to get anywhere these days? First we were headed for San Francisco, now we’ve been rerouted and are scheduled to crash in Washington; O.K., fine, but the layover in Denver really seems excessive. The new pilot says we have to make the stop to offload corpses and pick up more terrorists, but the plane isn’t that crowded and the current terror crew seems to be doing well enough without reinforcements. Anyway, we’re stopping, and we have to stay on the plane, which leaves a lot of time for the passengers to mill around and get chatty, show off pictures of their grandchildren, complain about how the airlines don’t even bother to give you a real meal anymore. Finally we’re in the air again, thank God, and we seem to be heading in the right direction, but then we veer off toward New York. Do these guys know where they’re taking us, or are they just winging it? Soon we’re plunging down between the skyscrapers and into a tunnel, flying alongside a subway train. Some other people on the plane have started to get a little anxious, and they’re waving their arms out the windows, yelling and holding up signs that say “HELP US,” but the subway riders just roll their eyes and look away. Whatever. Wake me when we get there.

The Sublime

The museum where I work is mounting an exhibition on the subject of Nature, an opportunity for the gift shop to sell greeting cards of etched animals with googly eyes glued on. In the upstairs gallery the preparators are hanging paintings of ants. I have seen them all before, and had enough. I will submit my resignation soon, as soon as I get down the stairs, but my scarf is tangled in the Baroque banister and as I fall it enfolds me in a silk cocoon. At the bottom a gilt-edged mirror reflects the picture window looking out on the park. Something very large is emerging from the hedges, coming darkly into focus. People are running.

Horror Movie

It starts with a long, long take of a turntable, the needle flicking at the end of the record. The soundtrack is the roar of blood in my ears. The rest of the audience is yelling at the projectionist and throwing popcorn at the screen, but this is the most terrifying film I have ever seen.

I’d Like to Thank the Academy

The demilitarized zone outside the Academy was teeming with gowns and guard dogs. We made our way past the goosestepping sentries, past the white-columned totalitarian facade, and into the fairgrounds where the picnic tables were arrayed for the festive banquet. I scanned the crowded benches for someone to sit next to, but everyone was talking to everyone else and I decided I’d better go home. As I got outside there was a commotion in the DMZ, and I saw–barely saw, it happened so fast–my unglamorous brown dog herded into a truck along with the guards’ German shepherds, flying off to some crisis with flashing lights and sirens blaring. I flashed forward to my desolate future life, searching the city for my only friend like Umberto D, but before I got there a few days had passed and my dog had come home with a new companion, a chipper shepherd from the Academy force, proving that there are still happy endings in Hollywood.

The Rapture (1991)

I happened to notice the white van parked outside, with “Exodus Transport” lettered on the back doors in a nondescript hand. The driver was leaning against it smoking a cigarette. “Exodus?” I asked tentatively. “Yeah, we’re here for the Apocalypse,” he replied. “Uh, I don’t remember really well, but aren’t those different parts of the Bible?” He took a long drag and eyed me thickly, then looked away and said, “I just work here.”

Freelance

I wrote a review of a recently rediscovered Preston Sturges film in which Joan Fontaine and Ray Milland were being held in a dungeon by a group of small-town right-wing Christians. It turned out that they had been mistaken for their identical twins, who arrived at the last moment to spring them from the dungeon, and everyone rode off together happily bouncing on a flying bed. The review got picked up by the Ann Arbor Gazette; they were kind enough to send me a clip, but instead of using an envelope they folded the newsprint itself into a tight little package and covered it with tape so all I could see was the dateline “ANN FRANCISCO–.” I wonder what I said about the movie.

Not the Dream He Had in Mind

The March on Washington, August 28, 1963. Among the thousands gathered on this momentous day are members of the crew of the firefly-class spaceship Serenity. They’ve sailed far across that vast sea the president is so excited about, and they have demands. As Dr. King approaches the podium, the tough guy with the woman’s name starts to mix it up with members of the crowd. Who thought it was a good idea to let a bunch of space cowboys stand in the front row? Did Kennedy have something to do with this? Or are we witnessing an ill-conceived attempt at comic relief on the part of an exhausted TV writer? Fortunately, history will forget they were ever here.